As you know, My name is Erica J and I am the owner and founder of BlueJWords. My main goal for starting this brand, is to motivate and inspire women all around the world. We live in a negative society, driven by fear. Because of this, negativity and fear is all we know and accept. We are so numb to it, till it seems normal. Well, I’m here to tell you, IT’S NOT NORMAL. Don’t settle for this! You are beautiful and deserve greatness. I myself, spent many years, settling in toxic relationships, friendships, and even business because I didn’t know or understand my worth. Let me tell you a little of my story.
Growing Up With Insecurities
My insecurities started when I was young. One of my insecurities I had growing up was the gap in my front teeth. I remember being a child and being envious of all my friends who’s teeth was without a gap. Then to make matters worse, I chipped my 2 front teeth, running in my grandmother’s house; so now, I have a big gap that was now accompany with 2 chipped teeth. You talking about insecure?? That was me! I would smile, with my hand over my mouth, to hide what I considered to be my embarrassment. I would go to school and be the subject of jokes from the other children because of my teeth. This made me develop a shyness, sadness, and a comfort of being alone. Because of my comfort with being alone, my new best friend was food. Food became my excitement, my happy place I couldn’t wait to get to each day. I begin to eat which in return, piled on the weight.
Relationships and Dating
Leaving high school was something I was excited for. I didn’t date or have a boyfriend in high school because I was always considered weird. Boys, would look over me and if one liked me, he kept that to himself. I didn’t go to any of the senior activity. I didn’t go to prom because I didn’t have a date and didn’t want to go alone; Therefore, I opt out of that embarrassment. So leaving high school was a joy to me and a chapter in my life I have happy to leave behind. After high school, I began to date, but because of my insecurities, I didn’t date the traditional way of meeting a person, exchanging number, and going out on a date. I would meet guys on “party lines” (a phone dating services) because I was able to hide behind the phone. Dating on party lines was good in a way because men got to know my personally first, before meeting me. Till this day, I can honestly says, 90% of my dating experience has come from some type of phone or online dating. I would meet some good men, but a lot of horrible one. Even when the men would be horrible, I would find some “good reasons” on why I should continue dealing with them. The flags would be flashing red, but I would ignore them because I wanted a boyfriend. Case in point, my first real relationship! I met “D” on the party line in 2003. We connected instantly and would spend hours on the phone daily. I asked all the questions you are suppose to ask when meeting a person; “Are you single?” “Do you have children?” and of course, the answer was “Yes” to being single and “No” to not having children. I was excited and couldn’t wait to meet, what I thought was my soul mate. He picks me up, we chill, we have a nice night and decide to continue to see each other. One night, as he is driving me to his place, he receive a phone call from a woman. I hear him call the woman “baby” and assure her, he was alone. I was in shocked because this man assured me he was single. So why is this lady calling you, asking if you are alone? I knew the answer and was immediately disappointed. Once he was finished with the call, I asked him about it and he admitted, he was in a long distance relationship. Right there, conversation should have been done and I should have left him alone but no, I didn’t. Instead, I allowed the man to convince me to be friends. He loved our vibe and didn’t want to lose it so we continue to be “friends”. We all know where this leads to.. sex. Once sex got involved, it begin to be more complicated. I then allowed myself to be considered “the second girlfriend” while he kept his long distance relationship. Eventually, his long distance relationship ended and we were now in a relationship. But what the saying says “you lose them, how you get them” and this is true. Once our relationship became official, it started good. He was perfect in my eyes and I overlooked all his flaws. I was happy, I was in love, and finally in a real relationship. But that was short lived. After a few months, the tables turned on me. I begin to reap what I sow because he begin to cheat. Women would call his phone all times of night, they would pop up to his home while I was there, and they began to call my phone. On top of this, he was verbally and physically abusive to me, but I didn’t leave. I didn’t want to lose him because honestly, I didn’t think I could do better. He would say the meanest things to me, while hitting me. I spent many days, crying, asking The Most High to give me the strength to leave. Finally, in 2011, I left. It was hard, but one of the best decision I ever made. Now, I’m currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but he brings peace to me and I bring peace to him as well. We have a story to tell as well, but that’s for another blog post.
Final Thoughts
Ladies, this is just a small portion of my life, which highlight my insecurities. But, the beautiful part is, there was a lessons out of all this. These experience helped me know my worth and to realize, I was giving my value to men who didn’t value, or deserved me. I’m a diamond in the rough which means, I am rare. You have to feel this way for yourself because if you feel anything less, you will receive less. My experience and now my outcome has really pushed me to want to help other women know their worth and not settle. You are beautiful, you are a good woman, and you deserve greatness. Learn from your life lessons and use your lessons to fix your problem area. You mistake is not the end!